So, the idea of recording my thoughts as they occur to me is hardly novel. There were the attempts to simulate a forum that devolved into that ridiculous council of schizophrenic projections, and that frankly puzzling disjointed recording of what I can only assume was my mental state at the time. Really, the only difference between those messes and this one is that I'm intending to properly see this one through, without editing or revision.
The general impetus for this recording is the odd realization that I've suddenly grown more... Thoughtful? More driven with regards to working on my hobbies. Considering my usual lethargy in this regard, it's certainly something unusual. Then again, I pick up and drop projects and hobbies with frequency, err, "rather frequently", so perhaps it's just a new thing. I had taken note of this a while after noticing it, but I've only gotten to actually acting on it just now. Actually, that's sort of how my productivity has been lately. I'll get most of the way through a project, and take an unreasonable amount of time to just wrap it up
Anyway, the reason this isn't following my typical MO is simply because it doesn't feel like I could shape this admittedly absurd wall of text, let alone the raw ideas I've committed to noting here, into a form that restricts both my word use and line length. There simply wouldn't be enough space in between lines to read all of this properly. Every line given would be lacking in as many as three things I would want to say, and adding them as a new verse would only expand the issue indefinitely. I guess that's the main issue of such unfocused inspiration, it doesn't really contain and cut off well
"Well, what makes you think a page filled with rambling would work any better?"
Oh, right. I had titled this piece for a reason. Guess it went too far into "Mono", with not enough "Dia". Honestly, prose may be equally useless, but I haven't tried yet, and it seems promising (if a but more strenuous on my writing hand)
"But you are moving away for what you know works. Hell, you've introduced *me* as a way to try and keep yourself on track. Imagine that, making a persona dedicated to pointing out your shortcomings and asking what you're doing, just so you can keep track of what you're doing. What makes this so different from your failed "inner council"?"
Well, you're performing the role of the "Outline", yeah, but it does let me focus on what should be addressed. And you're only one voice, one perspective removed. Too many perspectives in one place made situations where flimsy compromises and wispy-washy statements all too ubiquitous. Here, it's just you and me. I will ramble on his train of thought, and you're going to point out where things fall short. And really, I didn't make you. That voice of "You honestly kinda suck" has been in here for a while. You just get the chance to actually be recorded. As we always said, the best critic (and most knowledgeable too) is the one living inside your head, watching all of your screwups.
"So you've got an idea of what you're doing, what I'm doing, and where this is going. Remind me again why you think this is spontaneous and honest in nature?"
Because this is *me*. Look at this notepad "reminder" I wrote a few weeks back! *ahem* [Notepad]
That's like, 5 lines. I've barely touched the first, and the notebook has two pages filled already. "plan" for me really just translates to "I have a starting point and maybe [one] coherent sentence". It takes forever for me to get to my point
"then just get to it already"
Can't. That's why I'm limiting myself from using the eraser for this. It's important to see how my thoughts get sidetracked so easily, so things cascade into tangents like round objects do if you try to pile them up on a flat surface. Even here, I still filter some words, and I have to go through the effort of writing, so there's no real representation of the true full extent of how of my distraction. I mean, I am channeling my inner dialogue here, but there are several other factors that have my attention, and random thoughts come and go. For example, I just noticed this is reaching the 2.5 page mark and considered where this will be stored. I'm also keeping a little remark in mind, but the fact that my thoughts are slowed down by the pencil means I can organize everything before I write them down. What was I saying? *Reads back* oh, right, I just idly considered how I would digitize this, and thought a new word doc would suffice. But then I would probably feel the need to add to it, making it sorta diary-ish. It seems odd, to have the poems in a diary, the songs in a notebook, and the diary in a notepad doc. Anyway, what I wanted to point out is that this could have been a Facebook status. Could have just done with "Being too thought-full. Gotta went to get back to thought-empty. Hell, thought-half-full would be good enough right about now"
"Steve would have killed you"
Hold up, switching locations...
"So I couldn't help but notice that's a composition notebook in your backpack, one I'm sure you've never used. So here's a question: why the hell aren't you writing in that?"
I forgot about it, OK? This notebook is more comfortable to write in anyways
"Yeah, and it's screwing with your actual notes. And pray tell, why are you recording this?We had this conversation before you sat down and started writing again"
For the same reason you used the words "pray tell". It's because we thought it, and it falls under the heading of this piece. Besides, we he didn't have this exact conversation *BRB, food*
"You were on the Internet again, weren't you?"
... Yes....
"SCP?"
... Yes.
"This is why it takes you forever to do anything. I'm surprised the constant absorption of information hasn't overwritten any ideas you have"
Well, that's different. The ideas I have seem to take up an entirely different amount of space from the things I've learned. That's one issue with my inability to write copious amounts of poems in one sitting, but easily write almost 4 pages of internal dialogue here (as of now) within about two hours (as of now). It's like a matching puzzle game. Even if I deplete all the tiles of one color, the screen might still be full with all the other colors. Thus, I can be thought-full even though my inspiration is empty
Yeah, but that's probably the case for everyone else too. Even if they vent some of it with talking, what makes this so special? Just stop writing, let it happen, and let it just be forgotten"
I'm not sure I could really do that. Fact is, writing is my way of expressing myself, my substitute for conversation. If I write, maybe I could understand myself, because it's written down, see? It's exempt from my mind's constant state of flux. And maybe if I post it publicly, maybe someone would understand me, or at least respond and spark some new idea. At the very least, it prevents me from simply deleting this and forgetting everything.
"But if you found someone, what then?"
Katawa Shoujo reference? I'd have thought the active narrator would be more likely to make it. I almost made a Shizune reference when describing the act of writing. Anyway, does it matter? Really, the only difference between being understood and being misunderstood is just what I'll write next. I'll still write regardless, and it will still be a true expression of [me]. The only difference would be whether I form it in a way to let others read it, or if I just dive deeper into myself and write what I want.
"So that's that? Got everything off your chest?"
... For now. Not permanently, of course. Hell, we'll probably be walking again in a few moments, off the record. But yes, that's the state of thought-full-ness described, and for the moment, I'm all out of ideas. Plus my hand is cramping.
No comments:
Post a Comment